Snape: A Compendium of Funny
by galleons
Summary: This is a collection of one-shots, chapters that don't fit anywhere in my other fanfics, or splurges after a writer's block. These represent the challenge, the chase, the arguing, and the funny. A second compendium for the more dramatic and serious will be coming soon. Miscellaneous Snape will be taken down.
1. The Meeting of Minds

**The Meeting of Minds**

_Miscellaneous Snape, or as one of my stories was posted as such, turned out to be more of a collection. It was something that I did a long time ago to just place one shots or potential chapters I just couldn't quite place. Don't be alarmed if you see it is missing. Well, it will be. I've been wondering what to do with it for awhile. It grew very convoluted. Some fanfics were more light-hearted and funny and others sadder, dramatic, and mushy, so I decided to separate them and organize them. This is the first in the former. Truth or Snare and a bunch of others that got great feedback are not going anywhere. Well, they will be down for a bit and then posted in the right place._

(A one shot, but a long one)

The snow fell in rocky, crystalized tufts to blanket the grounds of Hogwarts. Everything was white, a blinding white that made it blurred and difficult to see, but reminded me of the warmth and fires and homey feeling that crossing over the threshold of Hogwarts always gave me. Always when it snowed around the winter months as we drew ever nearer to the holidays.

My dark blue gloves crinkled as I grasped the heavy iron door handle, said the words, and pushed in a single of the massive oak double doors that lead to the Great Hall. The doors of the actual Great Hall were streaming with the last students emerging to go to their dormitories and common rooms to prepare for studying, bed, chats with mates, or whatever their nightly rituals were before the next school day.

I was tired myself. I had just come from Diagon Alley. I still was brought in as an advisor to Gringotts Bank. I had worked for the bank before I began teaching at Hogwarts. I had been told I was discreet, honest, polite, hardworking, and a useful wizarding world witch/goblin liaison that they could get along with. And for some other reason I suppose the goblins still wished to work with me if need be because they could be difficult and tough. Well, the extra money did help. Being a professor was for love of study and sharing knowledge with students. One did not become a galleonaire; that was for sure.

I walked through the drafty halls of Hogwarts on my way to the Ravenclaw tower where my rooms were, when I had a second thought. It was chilly and I could really use a steaming cup of hot chocolate. I turned down a corridor and made my way towards the faculty room. There was always tea, coffee, hot chocolate, and sometimes other drinks brewing, steaming, or chilling at all hours of the day and night. Sometimes there would be little treats, snacks, or sweets left underneath silver trays papered with lace or glass tiered serving dishes with cakes, pastries, and tea sandwiches.

As I neared the door, I took off my tight blue gloves. Just the thought of a hot chocolate was welcoming enough, when I saw them…

Well, I saw Hagrid first. He seemed to turn around when he heard the heels of my boots clacking on the stone floors. He turned beet red and moved from the door.

It was then that I saw McGonagall and Sprout jump away from the door, smooth their skirts and bodices; all while checking down for wrinkles, and adjusting their hat and spectacles respectively. Their mouths were open in surprise. They looked about to speak but my eyes looked quickly from them to Flitwick who was peering into the keyhole of the doorknob of the faculty room. The door was shut. He whispered something so those in the hallway would hear.

"He rose from his chair and is pacing…oh, he just turned to face him again…"

"Professor Flitwick," I smiled, "what ever are you doing….."

_Crash._

Everyone jumped out of their skin. And Flitwick jumped away from the keyhole as the china hit the door.

"Ruddy hell," quipped Hagrid.

"Shush," whispered the ladies frantically. "If they hear you…"

"What are you all doing? What is the matter?" I whispered quickly.

They all looked at me, looked at each other, and then looked at me again. Nobody spoke and nobody wanted to be the first to either, I surmised.

I was apprehensive. Something grappled inside me because it didn't seem right and nobody was being forthcoming. I was afraid to ask.

It was then that Filch passed as his mangy cat pattered along beside him with such arrogance for being a half-hairless and half toothless feline, and pride that I could never understand.

"They have been like this for nearly an hour, most like. And I'll be the one that has to clear out the cups and saucers or what were cups and saucers…." he whined.

"You mean, they, er, whoever, has been throwing things? So the crash I heard wasn't the first? What the hell was going on in there?" _Who the hell was in there?_

"Filch….er, Argus…what is the matter?" I looked over at my co-workers. It did not make them speak. I think they were in shock, but then…

"Well, I think it is over you, missy. Your name was said. If it were up to me I expect I would take the wages out of your pay, for the cups that is. Only right I would think.." He gave me a smug and a condescending shrug and said, "Come Mrs Norris," and shuffled down the corridor.

I gave him a wide-eyed and puzzled look that he had ignored. I looked at the staff again. Maybe this would work.

"Has anyone seen Aurora?"

"Er, she left quite quickly…" said Flitwick.

"Well, why? And I don't see how since I wasn't even here that I am somehow…

"Well, you see.." huffed McGonagall.

"Septima dear…" started Sprout.

"Can you at least tell me who is in there?" I queried.

_Crash. _

"And will any cups or saucers be left?" moaned Flitwick. "They are rare porcelain and Ravenclaw's. A nice touch I used for our teas and Rowena left so many of them…if they are casting spells, even reparo may not work."

And I could see his pain as he wrung his hands. Reparo worked, but for collectors and rare items, the value went down if something was fixed. Not that he would ever sell them.

_Ting…ting…ting…._

"Merlin's nightgown…they must be….the sound is different," croaked Sprout.

"The damn fools just moved on to the cutlery. " stated Minerva reddening. "Wait, I think, uh, only one is throwing things. But not at him…"

"There are more, if you find the need to dispose of them. I never cared for them much…do avoid the fireplace if you will…"

Flitwick cringed and made a face

We heard a voice that sounded familiar, it was just firm and sort of severe, and usually reserved for students, dire warnings, or serious speeches before a jovial tone or a joke was warranted.

"Is that Dumbledore?" I asked.

" I guess I should be goin' on in there. Stop this nonsense of his an' all," pondered Hagrid.

"No, he came out and told you not to. Until he is quite finished, that is," stated Minerva.

"Told you what? What? I just come over for hot chocolate. That is all." I threw up my hands.

"Well, we can't go in, dear," reminded Sprout.

"Why? Please out with it now. _Why_ and who is in there?" I demanded.

"Dumbledore is in there."

"Ok, I know that now. I heard him. But he is hardly arguing with himself and certainly not throwing things. Is Peeves in there?"

Minerva saw Sprout about to give a quick and hasty nod, but a sharp look stopped here.

"No. It is not Peeves," Minerva said resignedly. "It is Professor Snape."

"Uh…is it Potter?" I asked assured.

"Not this time."

L"ockhart is offering to come and teach. That new book came out…"

"No…thank Merlin."

"Gracious, no….piped up FLitwick."

And then the voices grew louder but some of the words came out muffled in between…

"This has to stop…I _told _you before…I can't…"

"It is not a matter you…should involve yourself…I would think they would not want you to… from my understanding."

"I see..I am not making myself clear. I truly can't see why…"

We all turned to see Moody.

"What is that racket?" he grumbled.

"Dumbledore and Snape, apparently," I offered.

"At it again? I already heard them a few days ago when I went to see Albus in his office about the Malfoy brat," he growled.

"Alistair, he is a student of the school," said Minerva diplomatically.

"And is more like his father every day. All right. I know, I know….those two were having it out, and I turned and forgot about the detentions. But if I catch that brainless twit making a mockery of my leg and eye again…I might just forget what you said Minerava. Transfiguring for a few seconds will hardly…."

"No, absolutely not. Never. Or I will see ALbus before you do."

"Right. Well, stand aside. Is this a line for coffee?"

"Sort of. Well, we were having tea, with Dumbledore, now that you mention it, and then Professor Snape came in," explained Filius.

"And naturally when Mr. Sunshine graced the room with his presence…"cracked Moody.

"He didn't say anything at first. He went to his usual chair, after he made some tea, and told Albus that he needed to speak with him now, and Albus politely asked us if we would be most kind to step out into the hallway for a few minutes."

"That was over an hour ago." Said Minerva.

"Well, the hell with Severus Snape. _I _am going in. I need coffee. And if no one else is going to come with me, then wait out here all night. Maybe the elves will bring some to the hallway. But I am _not l_etting that pain in the ass skulker keep me from getting my own damn coffee!"

He moved towards the door and as he did, Flitwick hid behind a statue, McGonagall and Sprout sprinted behind the corner of the corridor, and Hagrid grabbed me by the arm and went to another corner, with me behind him, as he peered out.

Moodly knocked hard on the door in a brusque and uneven pattern.

"I'll be retired the second time before I get a cup of coffee, can we open up?" he barked.

The door swung open and he shut the door behind him.

We all scurried back.

"Take your place at the keyhole when Alaistar is finished pouring and let us know and we will run again," muttered Sprout.

"This is ridiculous." I rolled my eyes and turned my head, saying to no one in particular.

"I have never seen them have a row this bad," said Sprout.

"Not since last year with Black and Lupin. And well the Order of Merlin debacle…"

"Oh, yes. He was quite beside himself. Always contained…unusual," mused Flitwick.

"So, what are you gents blubbering on about?" We could all hear Moody's brash tones outside the door.

"Nothing that would concern you, Moody." And I recognized the dark, dulcet, and even tones of the Potions Master himself.

"Does it look like I care? Not really. But it did prevent me from getting some decent coffee around here. The elves on this charge make it better."

"It is magic. It is the same." Snape offered smoothly.

"Remind me to conduct a taste test in that prison, uh, office you have yourself down there in the dungeons. Now that would be a worthwhile experiment, professor. Don't you think?" Moody must have been really in dire need of coffee. He was laying it on thick.

Snape said nothing. Moody snorted. He must have gotten the silent smirk treatment from Snape, which can be sometimes worse than a comment or retort.

"Make way, I almost tripped on your damn robes and nearly killed myself walking behind you to the Great Hall the other day. It is called _hemming _your cloak. The elves will know what to do if you've never heard of it."

"Don't come near me then," hissed Snape.

"Believe me, I try not to unless I am late. Or I know that you took a shower."

Hagrid blushed. Flitwick whacked a hand to his head. Sprout and Minerva made gasps. I had to put a hand to my mouth so I didn't laugh.

I got a reproachful look and arranged my face in less comical lines.

It went silent. Dumbledore and Snape said nothing. But I could imagine a twinkle in the blue eyes.

Moody hummed off key to himself.

"So, a nice pleasant evening we are all having aren't we?"

"Yes it is, Allistair."

Snape said nothing.

"Nothing like a friendly chat…the fires are burning, snow is falling, coffee is brewing, and wouldn't you know…no goddamn cups or saucers? How about that?"

A flash of color emerged from the keyhole.

And I heard a whirring and a catching sound.

"Thanks, Snape, but I am one step ahead of you. I am not the neatest person, I know, and I would hate to slop this all over myself in a rush to get out of here so you two can get back to trying to kill each other, or whatever you were trying to do by the sounds of it. But I am going to need a saucer too. One'll do."

We heard another sound and the clink of cup meeting saucer.

"Thank you , Snape," snapped Moody.

"You are quite _welcome_, Moody." Oh, his voice was stiff and low. He was really pissed!

We heard pouring and a slosh and knew the coffee was ready.

"Now, before I go."

"He picked up the cup and is pourig," mouthed Flitwick from keyhole command post.

"I know you are an expert and all, but would dark magic keep this thingie together.? May splash all over me anyway. I wouldn't know . I am not too fond of the dark arts."

I could imagine the sneer and head tilt.

"Twitching… does the arm hurt much?" He went too far.

Why? Why must he…of all nights, set him off when he is in such a foul mood and temper to begin with?

"Severus, please untighten the grip at your side for a moment. You can point your wand at the furniture for all I care later, but let the man take his coffee. Would you like a scone, Allistair? They haven't been here for more than an hour or two, I believe," said Dumbledore pleasantly.

"I'll pass. Good night."

"Now. Go. Go!" Flitwick sqeaked. We all went back to our hiding places.

"Just so you know. I would wrap this up. There was a long line for coffee when I came in here." Moody opened the door and limped away. A white flowing head and sleek black curtain of hair emerged from the top to the door to peer out. They looked around, saw nothing, and re-entered the staff room.

"My coffee."

"My tea."

"My cups…."

"Oh, my dear Merlin, all I wanted was a small hot chocolate. Damn him. Always something…"

"It is over you, my dear," said Minerva, softly.

"Over what?" I exclaimed. "Oh, no, they are starting in _again."_

"I don't want _her_."

I knew it. The bastard had it when he was my mentor. Always knew he would try and get me fired.

"I don't want her to…"

"How many times is he going to repeat himself? The nut hates me. Made that quite clear. Dumbledore is a brilliant man…really now." I said it out loud for all to hear.

So I reanted and raved…

"I just came from Gringotts where Arithmancy is appreciated. Fine then. And Moody was right," I yelled out. "About a lot of things… but especially at he last two, you bloody _moron._"

"Septima, it's not…."

"Oh, it is. He hates me. HE wants me fired. He has tried to drive me insane since I started here. And he is even worse sometimes. "

"I DON'T WANT HER IN THE ORDER ANYMORE…"

It grew silent.

We ran.

The two heads popped out again.

We waited. The door closed. We went back to the door. Argus Filch passed with his cat again.

"Knew you'd stir up some trouble," he tattled.

"ME? Maybe your little friend Snape, and that cat, but what did I do?" I gave Mrs. Norris a discerning look.

"Don't know. But I do know I will let you know how many things got thrown after I am done in there later."

"Good. Let me know. Or better yet, try and find me because I may not be here for much longer."

"Septima, no, you are wrong," said Flitwick.

He wants me out of Hogwarts.

"No, it isn't like that," said Sprout.

I see. And even besides Hogwarts, he wants me out of the Order. He thinks I am incompetent, that I can't do a good job there, even after I've gathered so much info from the Broomsticks, and Puddifoots, Merlin help me, and whatever was asked of me."

"It is not up to you," said Dumbledore kindly.

"You tell him headmaster. Screw him."

"Professor Vector…" said Minerva.

"I can't work like this," Snape's voice raised slightly. But somehow he sounded different.

" Whatever. I am done. I am marching right in there now. " But Hagrid put out a rather large arm gently to stop me from moving forward.

"THEN I CAN'T DO ALL YOU ASK. HOW CAN I DEVOTE ALL MY CONCENTRATION, ALL MY SERVICE TO YOU AND THE ORDER… IF I AM CONSTANTLY WORRIED ABOUT HER BEING BROUGHT TO HARM? WHEN YOU KNOW, HEADMASTER, HOW…I ASK…. AGAIN…WHEN YOU KNOW I AM IN LOVE WITH HER?"

There was dead silence in the room and the corridor. Everyone ran.

The two heads did not emerge, but the hatch of the eyehole opened and shut again rapidly.

Argus Filch appeared and walked right past the door and kept walking to where we hid.

"Good, then. And you can get your boyfriend to pay for a crew to clean up anything damaged in your name in there. He has money. He never goes anywhere…"

"And it explains why he wears the same damn robes all of the time, "chuckled Moody from the shadows further down the corridor, as he sipped his coffee. "Watch out for that one, Vector Love or not, I know him from when he was younger. He is risky but you make him toe the line, I gather, from time to time."

I didn't answer. I was too in shock.

We walked slowly back to our places at the door.

It took me several seconds and I wished I had a glass of water, or even a firewhiskey, to calm my nerves that were unraveling. But if the damn fools would get out of the faculty room I could actually drink something. I spoke and then hesitated and looked at them.

They didn't seem to take the earth-shattering news in quite the same way. Quite frankly, they didn't seem surprised, er, at all.

"You….you knew…something?"

Hagrid blushed and turned away to make eye contact with the ceiling.

Flitwick squirmed.

Sprout looked at McGonagall and nodded.

"Yes." said Minerva. "Only a fool wouldn't be able to see it," she said in all seriousness.

"Are you saying…"

"No, not you. How could you? He has been, er, almost, too earnest in trying to disguise it from you."

"But it is different to others. I knew when you started complaining about him," said Pomona.

"I knew when he started complaining about her…." Said Flitwick and Hagrid nodded in agreement.

"I knew the day you started working here. And after time passed I was right. He changed."

"You mean he was _nicer _before I worked here?" I looked shocked.

"No. He perked up a bit. He joked more. He rubbed quidditch in my face more. And teased me so mercilessly, that I got a smile and a quick laugh," admitted McGonagall.

"Not me." I pouted. "Wait, he _laughed? _Is that possible?"

Sybil walked by.

"I sense trouble…but a happy ending."

"Sybill. Don't even….just hand it over."

"I can't foresee what you might be asking of me."

"Give me the sherry, please, I need a drink."

She looked around and reached beyond beads, shawls, and plastic brooches and produced a small bottle.

I took a swig.

"Professor Vector. What if a student walked by?"

"Are you telling me the circumstances don't necessitate a strong shot of something?"

"Yes, I guess you are right. Do go ahead. I will look away this time."

Sybil greedily grabbed at the bottle and walked a way mumbling.

"So, what are you going to do?"

"Nothing," I said.

"But I always thought, you know, with a little help, a push, that maybe…." said Hagrid gushing.

"That maybe you were waiting for him to make the first move…"said Sprout.

"WHAT? I am not going to do anything. "

"He aint' so bad. "

"HAGRID. He is mean to me."

"He loves you," said Minerva. "He is only so worried about you he can't even think straight."

"And what about, Dumbledore, I meant…"

"He is leaving it up to you. He would not ask you to leave if you wouldn't wish too, not even for Snape, and he does so much."

"Hence the battle of the staff room," chuckled Flitwick.

"Oh."

The door swung open.

Snape stood at the door. His eyes narrowed and he gazed at all of us. He glanced at me quickly. He held it a second and looked away.

Dumbledore then also appeared at the door.

"Sorry to keep you waiting. Hogwarts…ah, affairs. Would you like a biscuit? Come in."

We all filed in. Snape had looked about ready to swoop out but had changed his mind.

"Severus, anything to add. I am sure we are quite done for this evening."

"Not that I recall. Yes, we are done."

"Well, then. How are we all this evening? Ah, Professor Vector, I see you are returning. Quite cold out there this evening?"

"Dreadfully so, headmaster. But lovely snowflakes to be seen." Snape rolled his eyes.

"That reminds me I must change the charm on the ceiling. Filius ,would you join me in the Great Hall.?"

All cups and saucers and silverware were back. Dumbledore wished us all a good evening and left. "In a moment. Just some coffe to take with me…" shoute Flitiwick.

Filius ran to check the cups and smiled, following Dumbledore out the door.

"Gotta feed Fang," said Hagrid rushing out.

"Yes. Papers… and plants to attend to." And Minerva and Pomona were gone.

I was alone with him.

"Vector."

"Snape."

I ran for hot chocolate.

"Did you hear anything?"

"No. I came er, later."

"Vector."

"Yes."

"The Order. When is your next night to…."

"Oh, next week. I have Gringotts two more times this week."

"What night next week?"

"Dumbledore said something about Wednesday night…after the last class. So no one, well, you know…"

"Well, than a day at a time, I would imagine…"

"Yes, that is what I always say. One day at a time."

"Septima."

"Yes." Oh, Merlin, he was using my first name. He hardly ever did.

"If you heard nothing then what I am about to say will come as a surprise."

"Er…"

"I had thought about it before, but things are getting worse. My mark, as you have heard, my mark is…"

"Getting more color…"

"Yes, and I am not going to wait anymore. I want to _enjoy_ every day…if I can."

"So do I. In these times I try to."

"You don't know what I mean. I mean with you."

I turned to face him. He looked calculatingly at me.

"You know," he said softly.

"Know what?"

Sonofabitch. I forgot, of all things, that he was a legilimens. Well, who could remember after all the drama off tonight.

He rose. He walked over to me and put my cup down.

"You heard what I said. Don't lie."

"We were….it was a little muffled, and I am quite sure we missed any, er, important points."

"Ah, spying outside the door."

"Uh, yeah, well, Filch's damn cat, and Filch, and then Sybil…and I am so used to being in the Order now, er, we couldn't exactly help it."

"Do you object?"

"Can one necessarily help these things?"

"No. Neither can I. Don't think I haven't tried time and again. It doesn't work."

"So you are really…really and truly…"

"In love with you? Yes. And I have tried to hide it."

"Crappy behavior more like…."

"Tougher on me. Trying to convince myself otherwise. Sacrificing your safety and happiness."

"For yours."

"Yes."

"Because the only way you can be truly happy is…"

"With you." He was so sure, so convinced. I could see it.

"Er, I see."

He took both my hands in his. Firm. Pale and long-fingered, but strong.

"Any objections?"

"No. Hey people can feel what they want to…"

"That is not what I mean."

"Er, I am not sure what you mean. And uh, probably never did."

"Do you care for me, or think you could? Have you ever seen through what I have done to myself, and more importantly to you?"

"Are you asking for a chance?" My heart fluttered a mile a minute.

He nodded.

"A trial run, you mean.."

He nodded again.

"Like I am a damned potions experiment…" I had to know. He still seemed so reserved.

"No." He led me closer to him. Okay, not as reserved as I thought.

"What do I er, am I…I don't know what to say."

He whipped out his wand.

"Uh, waving a wand is not going to change my mind."

He thought the spell.

No one could hear what we were saying. I guess after I raised my voice, he wanted to be sure.

There was a knock.

"Moody can get his damned coffee elsewhere. He is fortunate I didn't…."

"I am coming back tomorrow and if this nonsense is still going on I am just having an elf I can go to, to request coffee. Didn't want to make more work for little guys but I see I have no choice."

"Vector."

"Hmmm?"

"I can't help it. I didn't want to, but I am."

"I am not leaving the Order."

"Fine, then I will just have to…"

"Follow me?"

"Only on the hard ones."

"We will see. You are better at this if I ever need some help."

"You are warming up to the idea already."

"Don't get cute, master of manipulation, as some call it."

"Potions Master."

"Or many subjects anyway."

"We'll talk more tomorrow."

"Yes, it is late. And we tied this place up enough."

"Tomorrow. "

"Not at breakfast," I cautioned.

"I know."

"Lunch and dinner too."

"Promise me you don't say anything until I get to talk to you first?"

"I promise."

"Good. Good night."

And I got a long full kiss….well, on my forehead. Guess he didn't want to seem too forward. Really the faculty room had seen much worse.

So had he.

And as he swept off and out of the room, he didn't turn back.

And the Potions Master, according to Moody, dark arts master, and master of manipulation, was at the latter again.

And I knew. It was manipulation a bit. But a nice one. He wanted to make sure I knew he would take it a day at a time, and really, slowly.

It was tough thinking someone was the biggest asshole you ever met, and then seeing, that maybe it was not exactly the case.

He feared nothing, he surely didn't fear to act with the Dark Lord, with Dumbledore, in class, the order, but he didn't want to lose me, before he could finally show me who he was.

All these things…and that he loved me.


	2. Truth or Snare?

**Note:** This was taken out of Miscellaneous Snape, a temporary home for fanfics that don't have a place in my regular stories, which I am working on closing. I wasn't sure what the heck to do with. It is now fixed somewhat, additions were made, and it has a nice new home now in Snape: A Compendium of Funny.

Oh, dear Merlin…couldn't help myself…an offshoot of a little lost chapter I did for Mental Mentorship. I can't put this in because it would never fit into the story. Only in fanfiction…

**Truth or Snare? **(Or the cure for the common dolt…)

"I serioubly hate hib. I can't breeb, my nobe is tuffed, and he ib stillb an abbhole!" I muttered under my breath, realizing I was talking to myself like a raving lunatic, but I think he heard between coughs.

The bastard had just pried me from a lake hours ago yet I no longer felt any gratitude. A cold was coming on, no, it was here, and I had had quite enough of the babying which was getting awfully patronizing in nature. It was time to go, and he kept insisting that it would not _look good _if I left his quarters at such an ungodly hour. Yet I knew what I looked like in the beginning stages of a cold. Wet nose, red nose, watery eyes. Very much like the Dark Lord by all accounts…

"What is the matter?' He asked softly, but I could tell he was fighting back mirth.

"Well, nowb I hab a feber. Oh, duh lake ib fine, huh, eh? My ass, Snabe."

"Here. Move over." He calmly walked over to where I sat on his couch and sat down beside me.

"I'b not sibbing next to you…you blooby moron!"

"You must. Or I can't give this to you. The "feber" will grow hot for a little and then break very fast. And you will feel much better." He drawled innocently enough, except for the tone and the "feber" gibe.

"Stop making fub of me. Really. I feel miberable."

And then the unthinkable…

He, er, fluffed my pillow and wrapped the blankets more snuggly after using his wand to conjure a few items I might need, which he almost wasn't able to do because I protested when he whipped out a wand and pointed it near me.

I surrendered and decided that I would take his offer to sleep on the couch, so I magically transfigured my pajamas and got a suspicious glare when he saw my slipper socks.

I was smart enough not to conjure and borrow Aurora's Gilderoy Lockhart ones.

He thought they were somehow revolting yet I got the feeling he might have thought they were "cute" because he fought back a smirk.

The first time he tried to feel my forehead I swatted his hand away and then he ignored me and put his pale white palm back on my head.

I gave up. I felt like shit. Cold and hot and feverish and lethargic…and stuck in a creepy and drafty dungeon with a lunatic!

But I didn't want to die in the lair of doom.

So, I think that after awhile, with messed up senses and against my better judgment, it was better not to argue.

Somehow…I would survive this night…

Somehow…the place grew on me and started to feel "quaint" in my feverish delirium.

Somehow… I had my head on his shoulder and fell asleep.

The fever broke and I awoke an hour or two later. What the hell had he given me before? I had to remember to tell people that if Snape approached them _ever _with mugs with puffy and fat snowmen on them to run. But damn it…it tasted…_so good!_

Because I did awake to the scariest sight in the world, but it started with a touch.

I felt myself stir. I felt better. And I felt my hair being stroked softly.

My head was being rubbed as my hair moved a bit with the gentle movements of the unidentified fingers.

An elf? My mum had come?

No, it was _him._

And I hadn't realized that the soft pillow was his dark clad shoulder and that the asshole had his other arm around me casually and lazily.

He tried to take advantage of a helpless victim of a really bad head cold.

They should throw such people in Azkaban…really now.

The sonofabitch….

I looked up.

"Feeling better?"

I could rip that damned eyebrow off so it would never curve up _again._

But he would look far more menacing than he did. Alas, the students were frightened enough by him; I would be prudent to restrain myself.

"Yes." I shrugged sleepily as I swatted his arm away and detached my head from his sinister shoulder.

"Let me see," replied Florence DeathEateringale.

"First, I want more of that drink thing that you made me before." I crossed my arms and gave him the most difficult pout I could muster to persuade him.

Sometimes, it worked.

Screw the mugs, creepy, yes, but this stuff was delicious.

"No, you've had too much already. Anymore and I will have to carry you out of here."

No problem. As long as it wasn't to where he slept…

"Why?" I persisted.

"It can make the drinker even sleepier. Believe me, you will be fine tomorrow. It is working though you may not feel it immediately."

"Er…I am not agreeing to that."

He put out his arm and felt my head.

"Are you feeling better?"

No." I whined stubbornly. Well, I felt a bit better than before but it came in waves.

"Why?"

"Because I don't see how I can fall asleep with you playing nursemaid. Yet you won't give me what helped me before."

"And what else?"

"The contents of those jars are creepy."

"They are for academics, you know. Ignore them."

"Right. Just like I can ignore you…"

"So don't then." The low voice said simply.

"Don't what?"

"Don't ignore me."

"Er…Well, I can't. I am sleeping over am I not?"

"I believe you agreed it would be best. I may not be able to give you anymore of my cold elixir, but…"

"Oh, no more cheerful mugs and peppermint candy canes then?" I crowed.

He smirked and it was much more of a smile.

"I should have done that earlier. Who knew you enjoyed such frivolity as the headmaster does? And Rubeus Hagrid, no doubt.

"_You_ should have warned me about the lake."

"How was I to expect that you would take a dive into it?"

"Funny. Like it was on purpose… What time is it?"

"It is late, Vector."

"Am I,er, keeping you from something?"

"Not tonight."

"Someone..."I was really looking for trouble it seemed.

"No."

"Oh, er, good I guess."

"Well, what shall we do?" And he gave me the strangest look. He asked playfully, but I could feel him watching me very carefully. Well, he was an eerie creep, no doubt about it.

"Oh, I don't know. Twister, chess, your call." I just blurted this out without thinking of the consequences.

And he smiled. It was evil and mysterious but knowing that he grew up with muggles I knew he got the jest.

"How about Truth or Dare? I once attended a muggle party in my youth. It was obnoxious and dull." He quipped sarcastically.

"Oh, er, sure." I wasn't telling the damn fool anything. And no surprises here that he hated parties of any kind."You're on," _bloody moron you're on..._I thought.

"Well, who should go first?" he asked in amusement.

"Me first."

"No, it is rude to not offer it to another player. I will go first, Vector. Why do you hate me so much?"

"Er, you are a bloody moron….to me."

"Fair enough."

"Why are you a bloody moron _to me_?" I wasn't one to beat around the bush.

He was amused but caught himself.

"I believe I will take the Dare."

"Oh, feeling adventurous this evening, Severus? Guess you don't get enough excitement from carousing with the Death Eaters, eh?"

"Not nearly enough," he deadpanned.

"I dare you…to say something nice to me," I said sweetly but my smile really would invite someone to slap me…_hard. _I really was a jerk when I didn't feel well, but I had to hand it to him. He was putting up with me quite patiently.

"You have seemingly attractive eyes."

"Not nice enough. You should have dropped the _seemingly _part."

"Have I not fulfilled my Dare?" he asked affronted, in a mocking way.

"Ok, fine. I guess you did. Can't help it that you are an artless wretch…not that I am sure you are out to impress the ladies. Loner that you are…"

"Not necessary, Vector. And half correct, I might add. Which leads me to my next inquiry…Truth or Dare?"

"Truth."

" Have you ever experienced a moment where you felt you liked me as a colleague?"

I hesitated.

"Truth, I can tell you know." He eyed me carefully.

"Stop right there. I am sure the rules have left out legilimancy."

"Fine then. I don't need it….not for this."

"Er, yes…."I admitted grudgingly."Why did you ask?"

"Truth. It might have crossed my mind that it would be pleasant somewhat if you did. I have enough enemies you know," he informed me.

"You make them," I retorted.

"Some. Others I wish I hadn't, but I would correct it if I could."

"You are getting too cryptic and detailed for Truth or Dare and it is spoiling the game. This is Truth or Dare, Severus, not Clue. Drop the mystery and intrigue."

"Fine," he snapped. "Moving right along them…Have you ever thought you could like me as a friend?"

"Truth?I am here aren't I?" I wished it would have come out smoother.

"Well, you had no choice."

"How is that?"

"Coddled and kept prostrate in the infirmary quite too long by an overzealous and utterly cautious Pomfrey, or me," he stated blandly.

"Er, right.I chose well. This is interesting. Or should I say I chose that chocolatey drink?".

"I agree. And I am glad that you liked it. But you didn't really answer my question."

Bastard.

"Ok, then yes, I guess it has occurred to me."

I would make him squirm…heh…heh…

"Have you ever been in love?"

"Yes." The bloody moron did not squirm.

"You are not supposed to answer this. I don't want to know." I panicked.

"Why?"

"It's too much information…coming from you."

"This is Truth or Dare, you know."

"Really…with who?" I felt like a baby with a toy dangling in front of her.

"My turn." He cut me off abruptly.

"Are you currently in love with anyone now?" He went there.

"That is easy. No." I said far too quickly.

"Why?"

"Too busy… Here all the time working and putting up with your nonsense and all the extra potions stuff I help you with."

"Truly a Florence Nightingale….I commend you."

He really _was_ a master at potions and at being sarcastic.

"Ok, this is getting a bit boring. Are you ready for the hard stuff?" I wanted to challenge him.

"Bring it on, as they say, Vector," and I had to admit his delivery was hilarious.

"Have you found anyone attractive recently? Irma Pince doesn't count…"

"Truly amusing Vector…"

"I sense a dare." I teased light-heartedly.

"You sense wrong. The answer is…yes."

"Whoah…Trelawney really did grow on you then?"

"Hardly, Vector, and now I believe it is my turn. Obviously you are here….objectively….could you answer….hypothetically?"

"I could do that."

"Name two things you find attractive about me."

"I don't…"

"If you were forced to…like _now._"

"Uh, you are smart. Nobody could deny that. Er, in general."

"I see. And…."

"Nobody could deny that you are fearless… and, er, brave. That was a bonus."

He smirked pleasantly.

"Me next."

He gestured with an open arm, as if to say, ask away.

"Though you think I am a vampire and a hag…do you find anything physically attractive about me, so I may hold out hope that I shall never resemble Dolores Umbridge and we are not neck in neck on your unattractiveness scale? Er, not that I particularly care about that but…"

"You win that one," he said, cutting me off.

"You didn't answer. Oh, and since you made me answer two and I offered a bonus, I want three."

"All three have to be physical attributes?"

"Yes."

"I have already said your eyes."

"No, you said seemingly, which, by the way, I didn't appreciate."

"I lied. They are unusual…like a blue-purple. Rare, I might add."

"What else? Keep it coming…I should record this for the next time I receive a blood lollipop and for posterity."

"You have, I must admit, a pretty face, Vector."

"Pretty for a hag?" I snorted, and then felt stupid.

"Exactly."

"What else?"

"Everything. I do find you rather perfect _sometimes._"

"Er, what does that mean? And can you _confirm_ that the elf-made wine that you just poured had something to do with the admission?" It had appeared out of nowhere and I should have guessed he probably had something up his dark sleeve.

"Your dark hair, your small hands, your nose, and (he swept me over with his eyes that I could slap him if I wasn't so taken aback) everything. I can't outright deny that you are better than most hags. A truly outstanding hag."

"Too much truth. I will need my elf-made wine refreshed no doubt."

He did so.

"Ok, shoot, This should be good."

"Are we continuing with threes?"

"Really, why stop now?" I cracked.

"The same question…regarding me."

"I find you repulsive." I took a swig of the wine.

"I don't believe that, and I gather neither do you. Just because I believe you are a hag, doesn't mean that I can't rise above it."

"That is not funny."

"You are right. It used to be but it's not anymore."And he now took a deep swill of his wine.

"Ok, just for that I will answer you."

"You have a hair color that is pure black, that many would kill for. Even mine is very dark but still lighter than yours."

"Go on…"

"Continuing with the black theme….you have interesting eyes."

"And…"

"You will never believe this…I don't believe I am saying this…but in the whole time I have known you I have seen you smile twice and I must admit it was attractive, but it could have been just because it was merely a nice surprise."

"When was it?" He seemed intrigued.

"When Lockhart left. And when Mrs. Norris was petrified."

"I believe you. Surely the glow of such happy events would transform even the homely?"

"You are not homely, er, just not attractive in a classical sense."

I really had to stop the wine _now.  
_

"I take that as a compliment."

"You should. I meant it as one. Ok, my turn."

He paused.

"Why are you asking me this?"

"Very simple. I want to know."

"Why?"

"I can't answer."

"Why?"

" Because you have already taken your turn. Ask me next time."

"Will you answer?"

"I might. Or I might just act on that Dare. Soft option now, don't you agree?"

I allowed myself a small smile as we continued sizing each other up.

I saw him take a breath and a sip of the elf-made wine.

"Would you ever go somewhere with me…when it had nothing connected to work duties?"

"Er, perhaps."

"Yes or no?"

"Ok, fine, are you asking me?"

"Because I want to know…" he said slowly.

"Why?"

"Cheater, wait your turn." But he moved a piece of hair out of my face that had slipped when I exuberantly asked him this. And considering I looked like the Dark Lord from a head cold, I marveled at this. _And _that his touch didn't feel gross…er, at all.

"Could you ever possibly be interested in me?" He asked softly.

"_DARE!"_

"Are you quite sure?" His voice had a tinge of warning to it.

"Can't be worse than this…" I clucked, near nervous collapse.

"Do you really think so?"

"Yes."

"The game may end with me winning." He sounded his old self again.

"Don't count on it." I recovered only slightly.

"You are sure then?"

"Quite sure," I nodded several times.

"Ok. Very well then…I dare you to kiss me." The eyes had a triumphant gleam that I had never seen before. The bloody fool had ensnared me. I was trapped!

Silence.

"How dare you?" I managed.

"Correct. I believe it is my turn."

"I'm not playing anymore," I shouted.

"It may be magically binding, this version of Truth or Dare. This is the wizarding world after all." And the smirk was the cat about to eat the canary, er, or me that was about to be devoured.

"This wasn't supposed to be the way it happened." And then I could kick myself because the way it came out sounded like…

"Is it ever with us?" He looked at me, er, longingly. It was a bit rich on his part, I surmised.

"What's this _us _shit, Snape?"

"So, more alarming is the fact that you have readily admitted that you thought something might, what were your words? _Happen between us."_ I didn't like the caressing tone he used when he said it.

"You know what I mean."

"I think that after you kiss me, I might have an idea for my next question." He teased. "And I also predict that you might like it."

"Screw you."

He said nothing.

"Fine." How bad could it be? I thought. Once, I had to kiss Filch on the cheek after we were both standing under mistletoe. Not nearly as bad as Snape rubbing it in for the whole month of January…worse…far worse than him heckling an irate McGonagall over the House Cup.

"All right, first close your eyes." If he was taking me down, at least it would be on _my _terms.

He did it.

I licked my lips without realizing and moved closer to his face. I knew I was close when I felt his hair and I could smell him. Warm, man smells, something clean, fresh, sort of herbal…

Hey, who knew?

I kissed him softly on the lips after he made it very clear that cheek was not an option because he wouldn't turn his head and only tilted it slightly to the side.

Sonofabitch!

When I pulled away and opened my eyes I saw that he was giving me that look, but he was completely restrained. It was more in the eyes. Warm, a little heady,

The bastard had enjoyed it…_thoroughly!_

Er, maybe it wasn't so bad?

The kiss can't be as bad as his comments leading up to it.

Because I think he was trying to tell me…

"Ok, why did you make that, er, your Dare." I had to ask.

"Do you really want to know?" And he kept giving me that dumb slightly giddy look.

"Er, I wouldn't have asked if I didn't." I tried to be stern. It didn't help.

"Truth. And perhaps a little more truth than you'd ever expect from me."

"Severus, you always surprise me."

"Well, then, it was because I really wanted to kiss you. I had almost tried a few times but thought it wouldn't be welcome, due to our, ah, more often than not rocky working relationship, and you are a fellow colleague of course."

He was right. It was more truth than I could handle.

"My turn. Would you ever kiss me again and did you like it?"

"Fine, yes, and yes." I said begrudgingly.

But he pulled me into his arms before I could inch any closer. Er, not that I was going to, or anything.

_**10 seconds later…**_

"How do you feel?" He held me close to him and watched me very silently and maybe even a little cautiously.

"Warm."

"The drink, the fever, or me."

"That is so corny."

"I am a little distracted."

"Good, game over," I added."

"Fine. I won anyway," he offered pompously.

_**Silence…five minutes later…**_

"How about a little informal off the record Truth or Dare now that the game is over?"

"Whatever." I threw up my hands.

"Will you see me tomorrow, after we appear in the Great Hall?"

"Truth. I would."

"Here?"

"Well, I know Puddifoot's is out of the question, but don't you know some other place where we both won't be…can we step foot out of the damned dungeons?"

"Not just yet, maybe one day…but my earlier question, Vector, that you dodged oh, so gallantly with a very brave Dare…would you ever be interested in me?"

"Truth. I, er, think so. Could be the wine though."

"Could you toy, maybe, with the possibility of this going somewhere?"

"You totally took advantage and asked three," I yelped.

"Weren't we doing just that before? Such a cheater, but a beautiful one..."

"My turn." I cut to the chase.I now had to know…

"How long?"

"A while now…"

"The teasing…"

"A diversion. Thinking I may never have a…a little apprehension, perhaps."

"A little? You are a liar, and I know for a fact a good one. This isn't starting off on the right foot you know."

"Are you in love…with me." I dove in. The die was cast.

"Regrettably…yes. And this cheating of yours, really…but let us make if four then. Yes and Yes."

"And due to the nature of the questions I will be merciful and instead of four ask one very big one."

"Do you think that you could love me, Vector?"

I said nothing.

"Septima….I have been honest with you."

"Ok then, er, maybe."

"Not Truth or Dare… but I would like to know. Are we considering ourselves together? I hate the terms that go with it…" He gritted his teeth.

"Ok, fine then. But we don't tell either Dumbledore or Hagrid _in public. _Between the twinkly eyes and the polka-dot handkerchief…I think I might throw up."


End file.
